


Definition of love

by Yumisaki



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Jpop, Sexy Zone
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 13:13:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1429822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yumisaki/pseuds/Yumisaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fuma doesn't feel like his love for Kento is enough to make Kento happy, but seeing him happy is the only thing he really wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Definition of love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yumi/gifts).



> So this is for Yumi ♥  
> I know this took ages to finish and you waited so long, but I finally did it!  
> I really hope you like it and everyone else of you who reads this too of course :3
> 
> ~Misaki

Fuma grinned as he poked Kento’s cheek softly.  
“I’m bored~” he complained and pouted.  
Since Fuma’s confession to Kento three months ago, they’re relationship had been perfect.  
Before that, it had been a hard time for both of them, because they liked each other, but no one had found the courage to confess to the other.  
But now that these things finally had been said, they were more than happy, even if they couldn’t show their love openly in front of other people.  
“You think I’m boring?” Kento pouted too and took Fuma’s hand to entwine their fingers, then smiled at him.  
“No, I think being with you is boring.” Fuma stuck out his tongue before he giggled and gave Kento a little kiss. “You invited me to your house, so now entertain me.” His smile became wider as he spoke, but Kento just gave him a slight slap on his arm.  
“ _You_ were the one who asked _me_ if you could come over.” The older boy protested and squeezed Fuma’s hand a little. “But okay. What do you want me to do to entertain you?” His eyes looked at the other boy curiously.  
“I don’t know…” Fuma mumbled and tilted his head. “But do _something_ or I’ll die of boredom.” He let himself fall backwards onto Kento’s bed and closed his eyes as he laid his hand onto his forehead theatrically.  
“Oh, no!” Kento shouted out and wrapped one arm around Fuma. “Don’t die now!” He couldn’t suppress a giggle before he continued speaking. “You know that I need you!” He shook Fuma’s body lightly, then leaned forward and kissed him.  
"Oh, I think that just saved me." Fuma mumbled against Kento's lips as he pushed himself up on his elbows.  
That was completely useless though, because Kento decided that Fuma should stay as he is and pushed him back gently.  
"Since you had a near-death experience just now, I think it's better if you lie like this for a little longer." He chuckled and brushed his lips against Fuma's softly.  
"I love you." Fuma murmured and smiled before he took Kento's face in his hands to deepen their kiss.  
"I love you, too." Kento gave back as he slid his hand under Fuma's shirt and smiled.  
"By the way, when do you need to go home?" his smile turned into an impish grin and he slid his hand a bit further.  
"I'd love to stay longer." Fuma gave back and sighed a little. "But I promised my parents to take care of my sister and I need to go in-", he shot a quick look onto the clock "five minutes."  
Kento pouted and pulled his hand back again.  
"That's not fair." he crossed his arms, and Fuma smiled at him apologizing.  
"Can't we meet tomorrow?" The younger boy asked and sat up on the bed.  
"Sure." Kento nodded, then took the other's hand and played with his fingers absentmindedly.  
"You're not sulky now, are you?" Fuma asked and raised his eyebrows a little.  
Though Kento quickly shook his head, Fuma could clearly see that he was _not_ satisfied with the situation.  
"Oh, come on." Fuma tousled Kento's hair softly and smiled at him. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing, it's just..." The older boy sighed, then looked into Fuma's eyes. "We meet quite often, but we never have much time then. I just wish I could be with you more."  
Fuma nodded slowly, then leaned forward and gave Kento a really soft and tender kiss.  
After a few seconds he pulled back again and smiled at Kento encouraging.  
"It's okay like this." He nodded, but there was a sadness hidden deep in his eyes. "I'm sorry if that bothers you so much..." Fuma looked down and bit his lip. "And I'm sorry I'm always the one who has to go because of other things I have to do." He raised his look again, the sadness in his eyes not hidden anymore.  
"Oh, I didn't mean it like this!" Kento quickly said as he pulled Fuma into a hug. "It's not your fault, we are both busy and don't have much time." he smiled and let go of his boyfriend again before he gave him a short kiss.  
Fuma only nodded and tried to smile back at Kento, then took his leave.  
“Don’t act like it’s your fault.” Kento mumbled as he looked at the closed door. He was worried that Fuma would might think that he’d hurt Kento with his actions, but he certainly didn’t.  
If Kento was honest about it, it didn’t matter if he was with Fuma for only five minutes or 8 hours, because Fuma made him feel loved and precious, no matter how long or short their meetings were.  
He quickly pulled out his phone to write a message to Fuma. _I’ll come over to your house tomorrow. Love you~_ he typed in and sent it to his boyfriend before he let out a sigh.

 

 

One day later

The next day was actually Sunday, but Kento woke up early anyway. He finished some work he still had to do and it was only 10 by then, so he decided to just go and visit Fuma a bit earlier.  
“I bet he’s still sleeping.” Kento smiled as he walked through the streets until he arrived at Fuma’s house and knocked on the door.  
It took quite long until somebody finally opened up. A really tired and rumpled Fuma greeted Kento with a nod before he turned around again.  
The older boy shook his head and sighed before he walked inside and took off his shoes.  
“I knew it.” He whispered to himself, then jogged after Fuma, who had already reached his room again.  
“Good morning!” Kento warbled happily and sat down on the bed beneath Fuma.  
“Morning.” The younger boy gave back and closed his eyes.  
“Oh, come on, the sun is shining and you shouldn’t be like this!” Kento giggled and nudged Fuma’s shoulder softly, before sliding closer to give him a kiss.  
“Oh, wait.” Fuma flinched back, but quickly explained himself as he saw Kento’s confused look. “I just woke up, so my breath must stink.” He smiled a little, then got up and walked out of his room, saying: “I’ll be back in five minutes.”  
“As if I’d care about that right now.” Kento grinned and shook his head, then looked around in Fuma’s room a little.  
He had always loved Fuma’s room and he got to love it more and more every time he walked into it, because there’d always be a new picture of them hung up somewhere on the walls.  
Kento’s eyes wandered around and suddenly he had to smile widely. There was a new picture hanging over Fuma’s bed, one they had taken only a few days ago when they had been to the park near Fuma’s house.  
Kento let himself fall onto the bed and looked at the other pictures. There were actually a lot – collected over the years from when they had been friends and later lovers.  
He chuckled a bit as he looked at the pictures, even though he had seen them so often.  
Kento felt like he could stare at them forever, just to remember all those times they have had together.  
“I’m back~” Fuma grinned as he entered his room and laid down on his bed next to Kento.  
His hair was still a bit messy, but Kento was more than okay with that.  
He tousled the younger boy’s hair a bit, then leaned forward to kiss him softly.  
“Minty-fresh!” Kento giggled when their lips parted again.  
“Yeah, you could’ve had this right away if you’d have come a bit later. Why are you so early anyway?” Fuma asked curiously.  
“I woke up early and I was bored, so…” Kento shrugged, then smiled at his boyfriend.  
“At least we have more time together now.”  
Fuma didn’t answer right away, so Kento looked at him suspiciously.  
“We _do_ have more time, right?” he asked and raised his eyebrows.  
“Well, actually…” Fuma lowered his eyes before he continued talking. “You know Juri got accepted into university recently, right? And he asked me to help him with some organizing because I already know a bit more about that and…” He stopped talking and raised his head again. “I’m sorry.” He said as he saw the look in Kento’s eyes. “It’s just, this is so important for Juri and he wants to be prepared for university. He is so excited about this and he’s my best friend…” Fuma looked at Kento apologizing, waiting for his reaction.  
“Oh, so this is more important?” Kento raised his eyebrows. “There’s finally a day we could spend together, but _no_ Juri is more important than me. It’s not like we’re both busy as hell and can barely see each other anyway, right?” he glared at Fuma angrily, but didn’t give him time to answer.  
“I’m sick of this, Fuma! Just tell me if you don’t want to see me anymore. And then you can go and meet Juri or whoever you want and whenever you want!” As his voice had been getting louder word for word, Kento had stood up and was now looking at a completely confused Fuma.  
“W-What?” The younger boy asked carefully. “I just want to help him because-“  
“Because he is worth more than me?!” Kento interrupted him.  
“That’s not what I wanted to say!” Fuma was getting a little annoyed now, too.  
“A friend asked me for help, so what should I do?” he frowned and got up from the bed.  
“Tell him that you don’t have time today maybe?!” Kento rolled his eyes and his voice got a little quieter again.  
“I’m not telling you to not meet with other people anymore, but you should really sort out your priorities!” He was still glaring at Fuma, whose face had an apologizing look on it.  
“I-I’m sorry.” He stuttered and got a bit closer to Kento. “I can still call Juri and tell him I don’t have time…”  
“No, it’s fine!” Kento gave back furiously. “Go ahead and meet him! It seems he needs you more than I do! I’m going home now anyway!” Kento opened the door and before he slammed it shut loudly, he shouted:”Have fun with Juri!”, leaving a completely confused Fuma behind.  
The younger boy didn’t want this to happen, but he also hadn’t really thought about the consequences his actions might have.  
Had he really fucked up that bad? Or did Kento just overreact?  
Fuma pulled out his phone to send Kento a simple _sorry_. That was all he had to say at the moment. There were no excuses he could hide behind, and an apology was the only thing he could think of.  
Although he didn’t get a reply, he didn’t try again to contact Kento.  
“I guess the only thing I can do is causing problems, after all…” Fuma mumbled to himself as his head rose, so he could look at the photos at his wall.  
He cancelled the meeting with Juri that day, because he wasn’t in the condition to face anybody after Kento had yelled at him like that.  
In fact, Fuma didn’t even leave his room at all that day.  
He just kept staring at the pictures and eventually started to cry the more he thought about the situation.  
It was not only that he had made Kento angry, but he had also _hurt_ him, Fuma thought as he sobbed quietly.  
He had made Kento think that he didn’t _want_ to be with him.  
On the other hand, Fuma couldn’t really _sort out his priorities_ , as Kento had told him.  
He thought about it a lot, but no matter how he looked at it, he couldn’t see how he had made any wrong decisions.  
And as he was thinking more and more, his thoughts filled with phrases like _you’re a terrible boyfriend_ or _you’re so selfish and don’t deserve Kento_ , and by the time the sun was rising the next morning, Fuma was convinced that he couldn’t go on hurting Kento like this, no matter how painful it might would be for himself.  
He forced himself to stop crying and wiped away a few remaining tears.

 

Two days later

 

Kento was feeling terrible.  
Terrible for yelling at Fuma, terrible because he couldn’t get himself to call him or at least send him a text.  
“Fuma must feel awful…” Kento mumbled to himself as he curled up in his bed.  
He hadn’t really talked to anybody either and he felt really guilty.  
Fuma was just trying to please Kento and his other friends; he didn’t want to shut anybody off completely.  
After a while Kento just couldn’t lie in his bed anymore.  
It felt like a cage – a cage that kept him from making up for what he did and from apologizing to Fuma.  
So he pushed his blanket away and slowly walked to the bathroom to take a shower.  
When he had read Fuma’s text that had said nothing more than _sorry,_ Kento had completely understood it. Fuma wasn’t the type to write a five-page-apology, telling you how sorry he is and how he will change to make you love him again.  
No, Fuma just kept it down and told you that he was sorry because that was the only truth you’d need at times like this.  
And Kento had never believed anything more than that.  
Fuma was sorry.  
After how much Kento had run him down, he could only imagine how hard Fuma had rebuked himself.  
When Kento was done with showering, he quickly put on some clothes and went outside, not even bothering to dry his hair completely.  
He went straight to Fuma’s house, but hesitated a bit before he knocked.  
Kento hadn’t thought about what he’d say, so he hoped the words would just somehow come out right.  
It took a while until Fuma finally opened the door slowly and Kento saw the shock in his eyes when he realized who was standing in front of his door.  
The older boy quickly took a step forward and held the door open, before Fuma could close it from inside.  
“Can we talk?” Kento asked in a hoarse voice.  
“Kento, I don’t want to talk.” Fuma gave back and looked him deep in the eyes. And it hurt Kento so much, because he saw that Fuma was suffering. How much he already _had_ suffered in the previous days.  
The only thing Kento wanted to do was pull the younger boy into a hug, holding him tightly and telling him how sorry he was for yelling at him. But instead, he just stared at him.  
He stared at the dark rings under his eyes, the messy hair and the slightly reddened eyes.  
“Can I come in?” Kento’s voice had become even quieter, and it was more of a desperate beg than a simple question now. “ _Please._ ”  
He didn’t get an answer though; Fuma just turned around and walked straight into his room.  
Kento hesitated a bit, then pushed the door open, walked in and took off his shoes.  
Fuma had closed the door to his room, but it wasn’t locked.  
And in the second Kento opened the door and walked into the room, he stopped breathing for a few seconds. His heart clenched and his eyes started burning when he felt he was tearing up.  
Kento couldn’t move _at all_.  
He hadn’t wasted even one thought on how Fuma’s room would look now, so he had expected it to look as always.  
But it was completely different.  
The walls were cold and white, not one single photograph hanging on it.  
Every single picture had been taken off the wall.  
The pictures were what Kento had loved so much about Fuma’s room. The joy of spotting a new one every time he looked at the wall, or sometimes even hanging one up himself.  
Or how the way the pictures were hung up never had any kind of structure – the shot taken years ago hanging next to a recent one.  
Kento suddenly sobbed loudly, then turned to look at Fuma with teary eyes.  
He still couldn’t talk, his chest felt as if someone had ripped his heart out, and Kento felt the pain spreading from his chest into all directions.  
His head was pounding badly, an unhealthy rushing making his ears unusable for the moment.  
Kento didn’t know what to do, and suddenly gasped for air.  
He didn’t know that room – not like this.  
All this had only been a few seconds, and Kento could feel Fuma’s worried eyes on him.  
But he couldn’t go to him.  
He couldn’t apologize.  
It just wasn’t possible to step any further into that room.  
So Kento just turned around and ran outside.  
He ran, tears streaming down his face, a painfully loud voice in his head, yelling at him that he had messed up.

Fuma had been left confused and alone in his room by Kento. Again.  
He hadn’t expected Kento’s reaction to be like this, but he had hoped for Kento to leave as soon as he saw the empty walls.  
It’s not like Fuma wanted to hurt Kento even more, it was the opposite actually.  
He wanted to make it easier for Kento to leave, because Fuma was convinced he would only continue to hurt Kento and make him sad if they stayed together.  
But of course this didn’t leave Fuma cold. As soon as Kento was gone, he looked at the walls again himself and started crying silently. He had been so unbelievably happy with Kento and he still loved him so much, but it was exactly that love that kept him from running after Kento.  
It’d be selfish to want him back now.  
So Fuma wrapped himself in his blanket and pressed his face against his hands, trying to stop crying.  
It was useless though, he felt… _broken_.  
“I love you, Kento…” he whispered into his hands quietly as he sobbed hard and tried to get these hurtful thoughts out of his head.  
At least there was one comforting thought for Fuma at this moment: Once Kento was over this, he wouldn’t be sad again.  
Fuma wasn’t sure if he himself could ever get well again, but the thought of Kento finding someone better, someone who could always do the right thing and make him happy, made him feel a little better.

 

 

One week later

Kento and Fuma both had managed to keep up a normal façade in front of their band mates.    
It wasn’t easy for both of them, but professionalism was important for that situation they were in and they had known the risk they would have to take when they had decided to become a couple.  
But for the sake of their band they managed to suppress the sharp pain they felt whenever they looked at each other.  
At first, most of their thoughts about the other were true. Things like _he probably feels the same as me and he’s just suppressing his feelings_ or _he’s just being professional, I should try my best to act like him_ crossed their minds almost daily and it lead them to feel a little better.  
But after some days passed, thoughts like _what if he_ really _doesn’t feel anything for me anymore?_ or _he can’t be that good at acting!_ took over their thinking and even though these thoughts weren’t the truth, both of them couldn’t help but think like that, making their selves feel worse and worse with every second.  
When these thoughts had occupied their brains, there wasn’t one night they did not cry their selves to sleep, waking up having slept way too short and restless.

“It can’t go on like this…” Kento groaned after another day of dance practice without Fuma. He had skipped them pretty often lately, saying he wasn’t feeling well or had to study, but only Kento knew the true reason he wasn’t coming anymore.  
“You’re going already?” Shori asked when he saw Kento picking up his stuff, walking out of the door.  
“Yes”, Kento nodded and smiled tiredly. “I’ll go and look after Fuma; I just want to check if he’s okay.”  
After all of his band mates had asked him to tell Fuma to get well soon, Kento went outside of the building and took a deep breath.  
It wasn’t easy for him to walk into the direction of Fuma’s house, because he hadn’t talked to the boy after they had fought over a week ago.  
On the whole way, Kento made up scenarios in his head, thinking of what he could say to Fuma, thinking of how to save the whole situation.  
He felt really uneasy when he finally reached Fuma’s house, and then he remembered the pictures.  
Kento didn’t intend to react like this last time, but he also hadn’t been prepared for a sight like this at that time.  
Again, he took a deep breath and forced himself to knock on the door.  
It didn’t take long until Fuma opened it up, and there was just a short second in which his eyes widened in shock.  
“We need to talk, Fuma.” Kento said in a quiet voice, looking to the ground because he just couldn’t get himself to look into Fuma’s eyes.  
“The last time you said that you ran away.” Fuma’s answer sounded emotionless and cold, but he didn’t close the door.  
He also didn’t really invite Kento in, but just turned around and walked into his room.  
Kento stood outside in shock for a second.  
He hadn’t expected Fuma to be like that, and he felt his head started pounding, telling him that running away was an option this time, too.  
 _No,_ he shook his head quickly. _Running away is_ not _an option.  
_ With fast steps he followed Fuma into his room and closed the door behind him.  
Still afraid to look at the walls again, Kento forced himself to look at the ground and keep as calm as possible.  
“We cannot continue like that, and you know that.” He began, his eyes still pinned to the carpet under his feet. “We need to find a solution, or we will ruin not only our future, but also our band mates’.” His voice was monotonous, all he did was saying the monologue he had thought of the whole way to Fuma’s house. “I understand if you don’t want to see or talk to me. I understand you don’t _want me,_ but-“  
“I don’t _what?”_ Fuma suddenly blurted out and his tone made Kento’s head snap up. “What the hell are you talking about, Kento?!” His voice was now everything but emotionless, his eyes widened as he looked at the older boy. “There’s nothing I want more than you, and that is exactly why it is so hard!” the words just kept coming out of his mouth faster and faster, and Kento had to concentrate to still get what Fuma was saying. “I wanted to make it easier for you, I wanted to make you happy. How many times have I told you that I love you? And I don’t regret these words, because they were -  they _are_ true. I just wished you would forget about it now, because apparently my love for you isn’t enough to make you happy. I really don’t mean this in a bad way, but I really wished you could move on without me, so you could be happy, because I’m convinced it’s the only way you _can_ become happy – without me.” Fuma’s voice had started shaking, and he had gotten teary-eyed while talking.  
Kento could see he was trying his best to not let these tears show, but after a few seconds of silence Fuma just couldn’t stand it anymore and broke down onto the floor.  
“Please, Kento!” He hid his face in his hands. “I really want you to become happy, why can’t you accept that?!” His hands and voice were shaking as he spoke.  
Kento kneeled down in front of Fuma, then wrapped his arms around him.  
 hh"You don't understand." He whispered with a laugh in his voice, not quite matching up with the tears that were lingering in his eyes. He pulled his boyfriend closer and shut his eyes as he stroke the other's hair softly.  
"I may be able to become happy without you." A lonely tear had finally found its way out of his eye, slowly running down his cheek, then falling down onto Fuma's shirt, leaving a dark, wet spot on it.  
"But I'll never feel... _whole_."  
Fuma let out a little sob, and Kento felt him quivering in his arms.  
“I love you.” Kento continued, his voice almost inaudible and weak. “Even if you would hurt me every day and every minute of my life, I would still stay with you.” He breathed in and shivered slightly. “Because I love you more than anything else in this world.” His voice cracked a bit at the end of the sentence, but there was no need to repeat it.  
Fuma’s body shook under his sobs again and Kento just tightened his arms around him.  
“I love you, too.” Fuma mumbled onto his boyfriend’s chest. “You have no idea how much I love you. But I always seem to cause trouble for you, that’s why… that’s why I thought…” he couldn’t go on talking so he just clasped onto Kento, who stroke his back in response, whispering some pointless, but comforting words to the younger boy.  
They stayed like this for a long time, no movements, no talking besides the quiet whispers of their deepest feelings.

“I’m sorry.” It felt like hours until Fuma finally spoke up again, his voice still shaking, but definitely calmer than before.  
“It’s okay, really.” Kento gave back and stroke over the younger boy’s back comforting. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t be so engaging.” He smiled a little, relieved to know that Fuma hadn’t stopped loving him.  
A little sadness spread inside him though, when he looked up and saw the walls of Fuma’s room still white and cold, without the pictures of them hanging there.  
“Fuma?” he asked carefully as he looked around. “You haven’t thrown our pictures away or anything, right?” he was a bit afraid of the answer, but Fuma quickly shook his head.  
“Wait a second.” The younger boy freed out of Kento’s arms and walked toward a cupboard in his room. He opened one of the drawers.  
“Here they are.” There was a pile of pictures in his hand as he turned around and smiled at Kento apologizing. “The others are in the other drawers.” He turned around again, this time grabbing a box of pushpins. “Won’t you help me hang them up again?”  
Kento smiled widely and got up, too.  
He nodded enthusiastically as he took the pile of pictures from Fuma, but not without giving him a short but tender kiss.  
“I’d love to.” He whispered onto the younger boy’s lips, his smile widening even more.  
And they started hanging up the pictures, parts of their memories of all the years, reminding their past while looking forward to their bright future.


End file.
